"It doesn't matter to me whether they're blondes or brunettes, as long as they're over 245"
"I cooked two turkeys, one for my girlfriend... and one for the rest of the guests"
"If Big Bertha was here, we'd have a problem, but she wouldn't be able to get through the door anyway, so we don't have to worry"
"What if we called you at home?" [student] "I wouldn't answer the phone and I don't think my dog's smart enough to answer the phone." [M] "You have a dog?" [student] "Yes." [M] "What's his name?" [student] "Dog. I also have two cats, Cat A and Cat B." [M]
"That's a neutron bomb" [M] "Do you know how to make those?" [student] "No comment" [M]
"Don't lean back in you chair. If you hurt yourself, I'd have to fill out an accident report form. It would say 'student leaned back in chair. legs slipped. student hit head on back desk and died.' If I had to fill out an accident report form, I'd rather fill out one more interesting, like 'student tried to put bottle of sulfuric acid on top shelf. it fell off and hit student on head. student dissolved on spot.' because then i'd get to use all sorts of chemistry terms."
"I have over 10000 structural formulas memorized." [M] "Where do you learn all this stuff?" [student] "You learn it when you become a chemist." [M]
"I hold the record for most detentions given to one class, 576"
"We'll be doing some nuclear chemistry when I'm in the mood. I'll bring out all the nuclear waste i have in the back room"
"The difference between golf and chemistry is that when you have a bad game of golf is that you can tear up the score card and go home, but if you have a bad day of chemistry, the score card goes home with you"
"It's going to be so much fun... for me!"
"I would suggest always doing it MY way"
"I'm planning on being sick on wednesday"
"Don't spill the HCl on yourself, that would be bad"
"Actually, I think i did good." [student] "I believe those were Custard's last words as he entered Little Bighorn" [M]
"If we get the calculations wrong, we'll have an empty seat"
"I wouldn't worry about using your head [to test the radiation], a third arm would be quite useful"
"What's the worst that could happen? fail chemistry, not get in to college, clean septic tanks for the rest of your life, honest work"
"Did you bring any candy canes?" [student] "I did not." [M] "Steal some of Big Bertha's." [student] "That would be very dangerous." [M]
"I'll read you the grades... such that they were."
"I printed extra copies [of the seating chart] for the hitman."
"On Friday will be the dreaded quiz."
"5 minutes!... plus 20 minutes, for a total of 25 minutes." during a test
"Big Bertha had to work" [M] "What does she do?" [student] "She's a bouncer in the flats." [M]
"You've got to expect a slight implosion every once in a while."
"Ouch!!" whenever someone goes "o-fer"
"You gotta be careful with this [bottle of chemical im holding] because it's prohibited to be in any school."
"Death report forms are rather short. I'm not worried about that."
"That's 200 proof. You'd be gone. Game over."
"I call it the ex-wife principle."
"I think he said, 'it dissolves mmuhhulaahhuu'"
"Steve has no friends?!?"
"BZZZZZZZZZT!!"
"We used to have about 20lbs of arsenic and 20lbs of cyanide. I was keeping it in case I got mad at a small country somewhere. We got rid of it so it wouldn't fall into the wrong hands."
"Did you ever kill anyone?" [student] "No, sometimes the artillery shells that we fired into someone's back pocket caused them to expire" [M]
"War wasn't fun. It was harmful to small children and other living things."
"Misery likes company, that's my theory."
"There were A's. There were F's. There was every grade in between."
"How can we have homework on thursday?" [student] "Easy, I just assign it." [M]
"I once had a student go down there who NEVER came back."
"I had to take some questions off because they were too easy."
"Each quiz from now on will be tougher."
"[to pass] there'd have to be a large crowd of Benjamin Franklins, perhaps enough to fill a stadium."
"Playing the lottery doesn't increase your chances of winning the lottery."
"Minus two [on your incomplete homework]. That's what I get paid big bucks for, deciding these things."
"Tomorrow is looking bleak." on day before test
"Not to mention the 'delta h's that are coming up soon.... It's going to be so much fun.. for me."
"We could have a quick 25 point quiz if the grades are too high... It wouldn't be the first time I've helped students out over the years."
"I have several sports jackets and blazers, this is a blazer.. I didn't want the first time I wear these to be when they bury me. I'm breaking them in."
"I have to make these big decisions, who gets minus three, who gets minus four. It's tough but somebody's got to do it."
"I think by June 13th I will have forgotten about Colleen."
"I got a 49 out of 50 on the last test" [student] "That's one in a row, sorta like a Cleveland Cavs win streak." [M]
"I think one person did have an A last quarter."
"More people have been killed in organic chemistry than any other class ever."
"The dreaded quiz is tomorrow."
"It could fall into the wrong hands and people would go around making isomers."
"Maybe you could try something like abacadaba"
"You mean I don't have to go out on nice spring days like today?!? That's wonderful!!!"
"I'll go get the accident report forms. just sit or lay wherever you will"
"In order to disuade people from becoming chemists they generally start out by making them memorize the 10000 common names"
"If you make a mistake.. You JOIN her in the SUPER infinite bonus situation!"
"I need help with this one" [student] "hmm undoubtedly" [M]
"you can pull defeat from the very jaws of victory"
"ive killed millions of trees"
"If I ever get another chance to destroy the world, I'm going to think about it a LOT longer"
"in case you dissolve during the lab, i can tell them 'i told them not to pour the acid over their heads!!'"
"you guys might not even make it to 60! what are you laughing about?"
"If you get 14 and the answer if 27 that's OK.. and then you fail!! but at least you didn't put something dumb"
"I made a couple of chemicals but they never found uses for any of them. I could have been a rich man"
"don't forget the humongous homework assignment"
"that's the difference between a grain of sand and the mass of the known universe!!"
"Life's tough, then you die."
"Dieing from eye strain is the worst way to go"
"he's got all those classes down.. basket weaving.. modern dance."
"i guess you guys have decided to fail now and avoid the rush!"
"I don't know what to say, except for game over."
"when converting moles to grams of grams to moles; number of moles is always one, number of grams: periodic table"
"people ask me the funiest questions, 'can i go to the bathroom really fast?' i have no idea, i'm a chemist. i'm not into the biological side of those things."
"we lost quite a few at the semester, they surrendered.. they let the chemistry defeat them."
"now we need the largest homework assignment of all time"
"You'd have to remove all affected clothing and shower for 20 minutes. We want to avoid that. It might be embarrassing, but hey, at least you'd survive. You could transfer to Timbuktu or Kalamazoo."
"It could explode! Shards of juggular-vein-seeking glass would go throughout the room! And we've only got one shower!"
"They get paid by the test!" talking about the AP graders
"Last year [the TV] used to turn on all the time. I thought it was a poltergeist"
"I'm feeling particularly evil today"
"Can't let you guys hog all the chemical fun!"
"We don't have a bucket that you have to put 5 gallons in before it's empty. If you find a way to do that, let me know. We can get our picture on Scientific America and I will finally get my nomination to IUPAC."
"You can't do that kind of stuff while taking the AP test. You might as well kiss your 80 dollars good-bye"
"A special treat! Just because I might make you the designated problem solver"
"Democracy in action!"
"I don't know, I just work here"
"They should have learned this when they weren't busy breaking thermometers"
"Oooooooh, a chemical challenge!!"
"Don't waste your money giving it to the college board, give it to me and I'll put it towards the chemistry department friday night entertainment fund."
"Today's topic is going to be about my cat. I don't have a cat, but if I did it would drink motor oil and crap dice. I then would take those dice and crawl to Vegas. When I got there I would roll those dice and win millions.. no billions! Bill is a cool name. My mom should have named me Bill. I don't have a mom, but if I did she would be hott. I burned my face on my tennis racket that I left out in the sun and tried to shave with it. It made me salivate. All of you must have this typed, maximun of seven words, and must be typed by a monkey's left foot who will only drink Jasta. Due before I find out if i have a different setting on my monotone voice. It's tickling my throat. Nod your heads, say Steinbeck and I'll see you on Mars." published with permission of N.D.B.
